Fishing Alberta.Net

"The Weekend Angler"

Fishing Jokes of the Day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Alberta with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house topick my things up. Oh Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas! like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

 

 

 

  

Woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

 

 

  

Fishing For a Sale A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

 

 

  

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

 

 

  

One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.

Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!"

Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."

 

 

  

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.
The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH"
"What fish?" the man aske
d.

 

 

  

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

 

 

  

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After makind love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice.
"Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific...
Great!...Thanks...Okay...Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

 

  

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

 

 

  

X Marks the Spot

Two morons go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. 1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish. 2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot. 1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

 

 

  

Playing Hooky

The priest was a fisherman, but he hadn't fished in months. One perfect Sunday morning he couldn't resist. He called up the Bishop and claimed he had laryngitis. The priest then headed out to his favorite fishing spot. The hook hadn't been in the water five minutes before he got a strike, and landed the biggest fish he had ever caught--although he had seen bigger ones. A half hour later he caught the biggest fish he had ever seen. Another forty-five minutes later he landed a fish that broke the world record. All this time Saint Peter and God had been watching the priest from heaven. Saint Peter turned to God and said, "How can you reward this priest? He lied. He let down his congregation." God smiled at Saint Peter and replied, "I am punishing him." Saint Peter was confused, so God continued, "Well after he finishes, who can he tell his fish story to?"

 

 

  

 

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I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago. She said "it's me or your fishing." Gee I miss her.

 

 

  

It was down in Southern Alberta I think, that a retired pensioner who loved to fish was returning home one afternoon from his favorite baited hole.  He had two ice chests filled with fish he had just caught and was driving down a rural road when the local game warden pulled him over.

 

The game warden asked the man we'll call Bobby Ray, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

 

'Naw, sir', replied our southern bred fisherman. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You gotta unnerstan, these here are my pet fish.'

 

'Pet fish?'

 

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

 

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

          

Bobby Ray looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Govmnt Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

 

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'   Bobby Ray poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden said,

 

'Well?' 

 

'Well, what?', asked ole Bobby Ray.

 

The warden replied, 'When are you going to call them back?' 

 

'Call who back?'  Bobby replied with a twinkle.

 

'The FISH !',replied the warden! 

 

'What fish ?', responded Bobby.

 

  

Sam's Fishing

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

  

Two brothers are out for the day in their tin boat. The first one hooks into a big one, fights it for a half hour or so and when the fish finally tires he brings it to the boat. it is the drop-dead oddest fish they have ever seen. before they can drop it into the cooler the fish says, "I'm an enchanted fish and if you'll let me go I'll grant your any wish." Well the boys are a bit skeptical but they decide he's too ugly to eat so they drop the fish over the gunnel. looking up from the lake, the fish says "ok, what will it be???" Before having time to think the first brother says, "all right, turn the lake into budweiser!" Before you know it POOF! The lake turns into a foaming vat of beer. "Now why did you go and do a damn fool thing like that" the other brother says, "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!!!!"

  

The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?" "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope". "Meet the biggest liar in the state."

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare. Then the second fisherman said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed. The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman said "yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman

  

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

  Q: What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything. A: Three Men And A Baby
  

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

  

Two Alberta rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more

 

A young guy from Saskatchewan moves to Vancouver and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'   
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan ..'              

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says 'one'.                                                        
The boss says 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.  How much was the sale for?'

The kid says $101,237.65'.

The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'                  

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a smallfish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife', and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'